a day to end all days

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 18:08:40 GMT

things with perry have been going perfect.. i cant help but feel like somethings going to go wrong soon.
but nothing can go wrong because we just click.
it feels good to be in love. seriously.

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 16:06:13 GMT

i miss him so much. i feel like im just going to be sad about this for months and think about him all the time. that's just what i do. i keep thinking about him and thinking about how much better everything was before he left and how much i just want to hang out with him. i think about how i was rebound alot.. and how he really didn't treat me all that great.. but i honestly didn't care and wanted to make it work so fucking bad. i get worried that the "i cant be in a relationship" means "i cant be in a relationship with you" and that kills me. i wish he'd take some interest in me at all- like call me or try to hang out with me or something. im super sad about it because i just want to be around him again. i really like who he is and i don't want to lose him all together. i keep thinking about all the silly stupid things that made me so happy and then i get all tripped up on it.. i need to find something to do with my life besides think about him. but i really want to hang out with him and just be around him. i don't want to be with him right now, he's too fucked up and he's right-- he doesn't treat me the way he should. but i still feel like he's such a great guy and i want to give my time to him you know?

what a mess. i'm a mess. seriously, my head is taking this so far. it would be so much easier if i just didn't care about him and could just stop thinking about him but he's too awesome for me to be able to do that. suckyyyyyy

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 05:23:32 GMT

i miss / need you b. see you in 10 days.
mom.

what i want to say when he asks "what are you thinking"

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 19:12:12 GMT

i just want to put my hands on his shoulders and shake him and scream at him WHY WONT YOU LET YOURSELF FEEL SOMETHING GOOD WHY ARE YOU PUNISHING YOURSELF AND WHY ARE YOU SCARED OF SOMETHING NEW

nothing is perfect and relationships have problems sometimes but isnt that just part of the whole package? would it even be valuable if nothing ever went wrong? people don't work like the movies..

a big problem rob always told me i did was say "we're just going to fight anyway" and he said we will fight if i say we will fight. i never listened to him because i knew it was right, but i feel like if i had been more optimistic that way we would have fought less. i was in that mindset of, it's happened so many times it'll happen again, and it just started becoming true because i expected it.
perry does this. i tell him i will give him his space when he needs to think about everything and i always do and he goes away, thinks about it, and comes back feeling better. we've been talking so much lately and it feels really good.

it's hard to believe things can change and you can change-- but before you can change you have to know you can.

Sun, 13 May 2007 05:33:45 GMT

you know. things might not be the best and might not be perfect and maybe we are rushing all of this.

but at least at the last thing he said to me was "i love you."

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 19:37:22 GMT

perry makes me feel like the only person who matters. he tells me i'm beautiful so much. he holds me and kisses me and looks at me and cuddles with me. we talk all the time, about so many different things. we connect on so many levels. he is a sweet person with a warm heart. he's absolutely gorgeous. when i look at his eyes my heart sinks. he is still caught up in his breakup with his exgirlfriend, which is completely understandable. he asks me why i want to see him if i know he is still hung up on her and might not be 100% into this relationship. i told him its because when we're together it's like nothing else matters and i am happy knowing we make each other feel so special. when he talks to her he just gets sad and then he talks to me and tells me everything and i am glad he will tell me everything because i can show him that it's ok for him to have feelings like that the way he does.. because it's normal after losing a very long relationship to feel a little helpless. i just love the way he makes me feel. it's being in love. real in love. and it feels so fucking good when he kisses me.

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 20:07:43 GMT

never been so happy <3

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 17:56:56 GMT

last night he stayed with me and we drove katie to the airport and he told me i was beautiful and i told him hes the cutest boy at rpi and i love him so much omg.

katie had such an awesome time here! she came and like, bam!, troy was fun again. maybe she drank a little too much (katiepukie) but she had so much fun and everyone loves her so much and it makes me feel so good to know how many lovely friends i have all over this country.
marybeth called? im checking my voicemail now. i didnt see you called. sorry!
next time you're coming with.

perry and i are going to fly away on a rocketship. if we come back you can find us somewhere in iceland. he loved his card, and that's awesome because i loved it too. omg perry loves me. and he looks like a supermodel. and he's a fucking NICE PERSON.

hehehehhehehe

i miss you louisiana

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 07:28:32 GMT

i miss you and i still think about you all the time and i wish i didnt. you said you missed our friendship. i miss everything.

i want my best friend back but there's a wall between us and we can't even make eye contact.

this is crossposted with an entry in my regular journal because i dont want to say it all because im scared of people knowing it all because im scared of it all and i really want to be friends with him because i lost my best friend.
can't you understand what that's like?

i really feel empty in troy. i want so much more and something so different.. i can't help but wonder if it's actually possible to fall out of love.

...............................

and there on the stairs,
standing there,
arm outstretched,
point and glare,
watching the love,
fall to our feet,
into the floor to disappear.

we’re finding fault,
when you kissed her
or you slept with him,
or you didn’t care…

now it all breaks, disintegrates.
well this is the last thing i’ll take
cause i can’t face you now.

this is the end, there’s nothing to keep.
this is the end of you and me.
As the ice comes down it’s the end,
as the lies come out it’s the end,
as the tears flow out it’s the end.
it's the end of you and me,

so we’ll look out on the lake
and we see the white light.
i said it was gold.
it should have been gold.
then maybe all the crazy things you said
would have a meaning,
but this thing we have made it can't stop,
it won't stop… cause' I can’t face you now.
Take your troubles solo, this is the end of you and me.

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 05:30:36 GMT

still not sleeping well. i've been nothing short of nervous about rob. it would just make everything so much easier if he wasn't just sleeping with someone else, feeling butterflies and romance for someone else. if he was awake right now, too. worrying about me. im still worrying about him. i wonder what he's up to. i wonder how he's feeling. if he's lonely or happy or scared. i wonder if he still thinks about me, ever anything good, or just always whatever bad things he tells that girl to make her feel better about being rebound. has he even had one restless night? does he even remember the nights we spent together. nights and nights and nights. my one best friend i could have asked for, he's just gone. out the window, passed on. i feel too ugly to even think about another boy. like i didn't have to worry about the way i looked with rob because he just loved me either way. but now i have to go through this attractiveness and dating process again. im not even ready to do that at all. i wish school would pick up so i could just have that to worry about and not this silly person i lost. i've lost so much lately. so many people and so much love. i feel so lonely. so alone and solitary. like my presence is just habit now. like if i broke up with my friends they could just go on living find without me and with some other cheap thrill. rob was the only person who sincerely cared about how i felt and if i was happy. i took it for granted so bad. we could have made something really beautiful out of it all but instead we just argued against each other. i tried to convince myself it was all his fault but that was just another problem i had. i keep remembering my birthday last year. we were so happy together. he was so safe. i knew that no matter what problem i had he would be there for me and i could rely on him to hold me at the end of the day. i feel gross and unwanted now. like too bad i'm not a stripper, i could take my clothes off for people even. does he ever think about that? she takes her clothes off every night for strangers who give her money. and she comes home to see him and make crude jokes and they act like sex maniacs and they fuck underwater.

does it matter that the temperature right now is 9 degrees?
do you know how cold 9 degrees is? somehow last winter i didn't even notice. i had body heat every night. never made a difference.

crying's been so easy lately. i dont understand it. when i left brooke i felt like the whole world was coming down and i didn't have anything left to hope for because i was leaving my most favorite person in the whole entire universe for what could be forever and it was just like that bye and that's all. when lee came up in conversations, it made me tear up. how could a friend do it.

do i believe in god? because i feel guilty talking about him now that he's not alive any more.. i feel like he knows what i'm typing because i'm writing about him. like he knows exactly what i'm saying, which feels just a little awkward, but more nauseous than anything. i can't spell that word, never could.

maybe i believe in god. maybe i just wish i had a real person to talk to about myself instead of a journal. like someone who would just sit and listen to me say everything i want to say without cutting me off or changing the subject to themselves. it would be cool to have a best friend again. i have so many people i know.. so many aquaintances.. and even two or three people i'm ready and willing to tell anything to.. but i still feel like they don't want to listen at all. blake used to, but we haven't had any time together so who knows. brooke always listens and we always dont even need to say what we need to say to each other, we already know how we feel.

i miss that best friend who would listen to all my problems and let me just say it all and genuinely listen and care for the things i say and feel and think. is that was pills do? they take away your need for nurturing, so you can feel good yourself without it?

it just lasted so long for me to be able to forget about in such a short time. sorry. seriously. i'm just fucking sorry i still care so much.
but is it really so much to fucking ask?

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 21:19:55 GMT

god it fucking KILLS me to know this random stupid girl is sleeping where i used to sleep, spending time with the one person i've spent more time with than anyone else here, acting like she knows him. how can he think i am going to believe that the day i leave town he just happens to run into her at a bar and they decide to chap it up like old chums. when i've gone there before, visited without calling, seen them drinking and laughing together. she had a boyfriend i said, she's harmless, it's good he has a new friend. now they're fucking and i'm out of the picture. like im really surprised. to make things even better, she's a fucking stripper. whatever i couldn't give rob before, now he's definitely getting from a stupid slut. now i can judge her on her own and leave her out of this, but it hurts my feelings too much to know that she's the one making him happy now simply because we couldn't get our shit straight. im not defending our relationship at all. actually, we fought too much because i expected too much from him. we stopped having sex because i asked him over an dover again please just get an std test to set my mind at ease but he wouldn't do it so i wouldn't fuck because i was paranoid. we stopped talking because it was always an argument, and he said we'd never get past it if i expected arguments. i did. but as little effort as i seemed to put into the whole relationship, he gave less. until eventually, it all boiled down to one stupid slut with nice tits and a stripper pole. oh im sure she's a nice smart girl and all, but come on, nothing makes you feel shittier than losing to a slut.

so where does that leave me now? bathing in self pity. constantly crying and tearing up at anything. breaking away from everyone i know. retreating to a fucking livejournal. all beacause one stupid boy told me i wasnt good enough anymore. i was in love for the first time and i think my mistake was letting myself think he was perfect and that the relationship didn't need any nurturing. now not only have i lost my love, but i lost my best friend. i get to stay here and go on sitting around with my stupid cat who hates me and my roommates who are never home or too self absorbed to listen. i just want what i had back. i want to be happy with someone and know i always have someone to call when i need, any time, 24 hours a day, and i always have to look forward to at the end of the day. someone to share everything with. im tired of feeling sorry for myself but i cant help it it's this overwhelming feeling i can't get past. being in troy just reminds me so much of him. do you realize how many times i've almost accidently called him. just to call. just to say something silly i saw that reminded me of him or of something we shared. do you realize how much i've been fucking crying over this stupid dude? it was so easy in louisiana because i didn't have those things. i had people i love who i've known for so long and my family. here it's just me, and rob was the one person i had who i could share my whole life with but we've ruined it and now he's happy with someone else. i can't blame him. i can't say i'm surprised that he's moved on so fast.

i dont know what i want now. i need to move on to someone new. but i forgot how to date. i forgot how to be single and how to flirt and southern charm bullshit. i dont even want anyone right now. i don't want to start some new relationsip that's just going to end this way because it's not worth putting up with ever again. how can people have divorces? this feels like a fucking divorce.

i just can't wait until he's gone and i don't have to be paranoid about seeing him every time i look out the window or step out of my house. i dont even know how i'm going to react to him the first time i see him. we've broken up before but never like this and it never hurt this much. i wish i had the balls to talk to him in person. but i know i'd just fall apart and cry and not be able to communicate at all because i'm scared of what i want.

im rambling. cigarette.

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 05:56:39 GMT

this is the hardest thing i've ever gone through and i just want to be home and not here because i really feel like the stupidest person in the whole world. words can even describe

Sat, 12 Aug 2006 22:31:52 GMT

and he has been cheating on me since we started dating. never said a word.

Sat, 12 Aug 2006 16:15:12 GMT

last night rob told me i was the worst thing to ever happen to him. when i got home ahuge box of my clothes was sprawled all over our backyard in the wet grass. my external harddrive was face down soaked. it better not be fried. and all of my nice coats and sweaters. whatever. fuck it. if i'm supposed to care i don't. if i'm supposed to be that upset, i'm not.

rob. you suck.

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 13:34:00 GMT

i just know that when molly walks in the front door of that animal shelter to get herself all fixed up, everyone inside is gonna say "whoaaaaaaa take that out of here! we don't treat supermodels, only kittens!" and molly's just gonna be like "yeah? where's my runway?".

Sun, 14 May 2006 07:44:26 GMT

i dont think i've been in a fit of depression like this since i was 14. i just cant do anything but cry. i have got to learn how to make myself happy.

Sat, 06 May 2006 19:14:12 GMT

i guess i dont have too much to say other than im bored. and unhappy. i guess i'm just amazed at the difference between this time this year(is bigger than us it goes on long after we're gone this town has taken it all out of us), last year, and the year before.

this time of year in 2004 i still lived in lafayette, worked at cc's, was graduating high school, knew i was going to rpi, and was probably very stoned. i also was probably counting down the minutes til the bar opened so i could sit there all night long and drink heavily with a million friends, and shoot the shit. i was excited to leave, eager to learn, and tired of louisiana life. i hated my parents and spited my education.

in early may 2005, i was taking finals i would soon fail, i was a freshman in college at rpi, i had only been home one time since i moved, and i was happy. i was excited. i just met rob and we were happily in love. i was homesick for louisiana. i was scared to leave for the summer. kendra and i were inseperable. i was beautiful and happy and nothing could break me down.

a few weeks later i failed a class.

right now i am studying for finals i will soon pass. i'm a sophomore. i won't go home until december (and every day i'll dream of those two weeks at the end of the year ill be spending at home). i'm uncomfortable and achy. i miss brooke and grace (im scared they've forgotten about me). i miss max. i miss john and matt and andy and stoner. i miss katie and rachel even though i saw them 2 weeks ago. i miss jackie eric and danielle. i miss cc's. i miss my parents so so so much. i know im stuck at rpi this summer because of my unproductivity last year. i know i could be home or in a new city if i had pushed myself. if i hadn't relied on adderall. this year i haven't taken one adderall or xanax (except for spring break at home omg). i am scared of my relationship because i dont know where its going. im scared of my friendships because emily and kendra are the only people i can honestly relate to or not feel incredibly awkward/uncomfortable around. im scared of my image. im worried about the big problems of earth. im afraid i wont succeed and i wont pay my loans. im worried i could be anything else in the world except an engineer. im worried my goals are too far out of reach. im worried ill never go home. im worried ill never be happy with my amazing relationship because im unhappy with myself and i somehow stopped loving who i am. i am always angered never happy. always spread too thin never strong enough. always scared never bold. i feel like im in middle school again.

i dont want to feel bad. i don't want to complain and i dont want anyone to listen to me complain. but i still whine and i still regret so many choices. i have so many worries and not enough good things. when i used to be calm and complaced about things, i now use them to be worried about or anxious about. im scared of money most of all, loans are weighing down on my shoulders already and im wondering if i should continue trying because i dont know if i can have this much anxiety for the next 20 years of my life. the sweet aint as sweet without the bitter but god its so bitter sometimes and i even hate gobstoppers.

where did this come from! why am i suddenly so unhappy, scared and full of anxiety? what the fuck do i need?

i miss you louisiana

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 22:55:32 GMT

i dont want to break up with rob. i complain and bitch, but in the end, i really really really really dont want to lose him. seriously. after a year. i can't. i have too much invested in it. and he really means alot to me. i know we have alot to work on but i want to be optimistic about it instead of saying it wont work and just calling it off. maybe it's the p inside or maybe i'm just hurting myself. i dont care.

i love rob.

i hope he talks to me.

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 03:28:16 GMT

sometimes when rob says like to much i can't listen to him and that's all i hear is "like like like"

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 04:59:42 GMT

southpark sucks.
troy sucks.
sitting in a room silent while one openminded person tries to talk to two closedminded fictionbelieving jerks.

im tired of so much right now.
tired of dealing with strengths. tired of hearing people talk about how cool they are. tired of hearing everyone's truthful facts that are just hearsay. tired of worrying. tired of missing. tired of quitting. tired of competing. tired of judging. tired of freezing.

trusting people i dont really understand is hard. and so much i worry about overanalysis.

reminds me of kevin campbell and krista. they always made fun of people when they walked into the door at cc's. no one was cool enough for them. no one else's ideas could compare to theirs because it's all a self conscious fight to put someone else down to put yourself up. it's just a sign of cowardice. stop fucking fighting.

things i wish i could say list:
*if you're cold, stop sitting there freezing and fucking grow some balls and get up and go downstairs to change. don't fucking sit there and deal with it just because im here. stop asking me for a glass of water in my own home. stop talking about how fucking cool you are because it gets old quick. talk about something else without including a hidden selfish agenda to promote yourself*

optimistic

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 05:28:40 GMT

this is abusive and retarded. i cannot fight and am not fueled by arguing. my conversations aren't arguments. his are. he is fueled by this abrasive fighting energy and i am fueled by calm but still exciting, peaceful learning. am i that different from rob? are we really fighting about anything? is there a general "bigger fight" than these little arguments we have every ten minutes? if we don't stop fighting i'm not going to stay in this relationship because it's breaking me down and i'm beginning to understand that i have to put myself ahead of him and give myself the energy i need to get my shit straight. we're not on the same level. our minds are in different places at different stages. i feel too introverted/ thinking to be in a relationship, it hurts him more than i can recognize (np). he hurts me by fighting and closure (j). i take him in as abusive because it's always a war of words. i feel like he puts value on himself by what other people tell him about himself, how much he can prove to other people. that others-centered thinking is not independent and i see it as weak. so now with my interdependence taking over, i'm struggling to understand why he won't be happy in a conversation without breaking it down into a series of arguments to be won for points in the overall knowledge-bowl.

it's stupid. it's really not worth my time at this point to be in love with someone who is in love with building his weak ego. is this cocky of me to say? to imply i have self esteem? i feel good about myself. and sometimes he makes me feel not so good about myself, which is then considered abusive to me. he uses his points to feel better about himself, but i can only see him using them to put others (including me) down. am i naive? am i wrong? honestly, it doesn't work out in my head at all and i wish so bad that i could understand why he has such a strong need to always prove himself right or better.

it would be nice to make it to a year. but that's a week away. and though i may be in love with this person, this may be the last straw. we'll see. i refuse to change, to go back to the way i used to be, so dependent on other people. i will not change myself for someone else, especially if i'm happy with the way i live and love. if this causes a problem, then it will be a very very very sad ending.

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 05:06:20 GMT

so i write 1 livejournal entry about how much i hate ignorance because i'm super pissed off for like ten minutes and i get a million comments of people screaming at me for being stupid or wah wah wah or whatever or blah. fucking seriously. let me be pissed off for a few minutes! i got over it fine! i dont even care at this point. it's me and kendra vs everyone else basically. well not her and rob. but everyone else is fighting with everyone else and it's such negativity around this place. rpi is too small. there's no city around it to have fun in, so you can only really have fun in it.. and it gets real old real quick. i can hear my roommates directly above me complaining about something. and i know they're just bitching about me. what else? *paranoia paranoia everybody's comin to get me* i miss the old grace. not the new vegan-image-obsessive-rich-feminazi she's slowly becoming.

and then i realize in the end i am so fucking retarded. i take it all too seriously and i just need to take a step back and smell the roses. blake sent me an mp3 called "real live transmission from mars" and i asked him if it was real and he said "oh yeah i found it" and i asked if he made it and he said no but i just found out he really did make it and i feel like a moron because i already showed it off to kendra who already thinks i'm a moron and don't know shit about astronomy. so yeah. im a fool. but i really don't care at all.

litter box stinks in the room. gonna move it out tonight. turn on the heater. keep it real warm. go upstairs and watch a movie with jamie (who is unpleasantly irritable right now but i love him anyway) and hopefully skip my 10-12 tomorrow morning. (but catch the last 5 mins to turn in my homework!!)

that's about it. i love rob even though i complain about him alot. we have alot of problems but we're not so bad in the end. we'll reach one year next week. a year. a fucking year. i miss him tonight. this summer is going to suck. and if we stay together for another whole year, it will suck when he graduates a year before me.

ah, the good news is she has no idea they're coming up for the celebration and that's fucking grade A professional slick shit right there. (props!)

i might friend a person or two if they keep their mouths shut and don't judge me when i'm whiny on this lj. is that a good idea?

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 23:53:15 GMT

oh lord today has been quite a journey. really now, do you know where the line between sadness and self pity lays? i am almost positive i've been drowning myself in self pity all day and have been quite out of touch with those faces around me. i've held back tears all day long. that's almost 12 hours of sadness. the one class i did go to today was depressing and made me more sad. everything i hear i misinterpret and drag into my melodramatic sadness. how often do you accidently discover something so horribly disturbing it makes you feel gross and ugly and disgusted. do you ever feel ugly? do you wish you were more beautiful every passing minute? when you know you're beautiful do you ever think about the ugly people in the world who can't change and hate them? do you love them for making you look better?
do i even care about appearance and is this what it's all about? i don't know what to say. i dont even know what i'm thinking half the time, it's all just sad. sad sad sad. i want to be perfect, who doesn't. humanism. it kills me. it kills so many people inside. but how do i ignore this ugly feeling. i dont know who i am. i don't know what i look like. i don't have anyone else's perception but my own and since i was born i've been told i'm not pretty enough and i need to fix myself. i've built up amazing self confidence and i've worked so hard to make myself presentable but in the end i still feel gross and ugly.
i havent looked anyone in the eye today. i just fucking want to be attractive why is that so difficult and how come i did feel that way but im slowly losing myself in this fucking self pity i hate it i hate everyone. i am uglier when i cry but ill cry because im ugly. i dont want to appear this weak, i dont want a stupid fucking person to make me feel this bad about myself im letting him win but im not even competing.
oh god do i feel weak. i am sick to my stomach. i am hurting. all on the account of what? of whom? i cant even build up the confidence to tell him why im hurt. i feel so stupid for taking it too seriously. but god i just cant help it.

wtf do i do? how do i explain that i'm melodramatic and ugly and i don't blame him. everyone just says "oh everyone looks at porn" but not everyone is in a serious relationship and *thought* they were good lovers. not everyone has someone to go home to every night. but when we come home he doesn't pursue me. only when he drinks. if he doesn't drink he's just too uncomfortable and grossed out by me. i wish i looked different but i cant and if you're not physically attracted to someone then how can you still be attracted to them? if he wants to have sex i'll have sex! i love it! it's always so good! but i'm always the one who has to initiate it. he'll make out with me for hours and never make a move and we've been together for how long? do you understand what i'm trying to say? why i feel so gross? and why i can't talk to him about it because that's just too fucking awkward.

snot doesnt make me look any better. when you feel this depressed nothing can make you happy but yourself. i just dont know what will make me feel any happier, if it's not rob. i have homework.

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 17:22:18 GMT

i just feel gross. i feel inadequate and unsatisfying. i am upset and i am hurt and i am scared and i am lonely. what i thought was true isnt and the problem is me, not him. i am ugly and depressed. i am crying from self pity and im not helping this problem. this is gross and makes me feel so wrong or immoral or something. why isnt he forward with me? he knows i love him and i love making love and pleasing him but he isn't seductive and is never forward with me. am i wrong for not being horny all the time? that he'd rather look at a website of beautiful women instead of coming here and having me. god this hurts alot but at the same time it's so stupid.
and in the middle of crying molly jumps to the ceiling and falls down only to get back up and jump there again. should i just ignore this? i dont even know. this sucks.

wtf

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 14:00:47 GMT

uh should i not feel this shitty when i see my boyfriend reads alot of porn.. alot..
that really makes me feel so shitty damn. i suck. i guess i just "dont get it" sorry i dont have sex twice a day. and i thought we were doing pretty well in that area.. but i open explorer and every site is a porn site or some .mpeg or .jpg..

should i say something or should i not care?